long post

I’m reading “A Field Guide to Earthlings, An autistic Asperger view of neurotypical behavior” by Ian Ford, one of the final patterns: Why you will generally lose.

If you scroll back my history you’ll find some posts where most of you believe I am on the spectrum.

I haven’t been diagnosed: Where I am it is extremely difficult to find a decent psychiatrist to do a test that would be several days long, are several miles away and have long waiting lists, but I do believe am on the spectrum. It’s like the book I’m reading describes me. I really don’t get neurotypicals and why won’t they leave me alone, specially when I do leave them alone.

Back to the book: “Even if we could give up our strengths and go to the basest level of NTs in some areas (for example, abandoning our love of accuracy), that would still not enable us to adopt their strengths, such as sensory integration, and we probably would not be able to memorize their constantly-changing culture. So in that sense it is hopeless.”

This is me. I love accuracy and I find NTs illogical, emotional and sometimes backstabbing, lacking authenticity. I like authenticity. It’s also very tiring having to constantly guess what the person I talk to is going to understand of my message: the message itself or some odd interpretation of it that somehow attacks his self esteem. So tiring.

I’ve been accused behind my back of being manipulative, uncaring, rude, and also a sociopath. Once this impression is given, it is impossible to make people change their minds, including management. I usually don’t fight it because, really, fighting gossip? that’s sticking to 5 year old level politics and what’s the point? The book I mentioned says enemies who don’t fight will lose, but it’s so tiring fighting every stupid thing (most of?) my coworkers think I am.

I don’t know.

Then there is how most society constructs us: as people who WILLINGLY decide to want to be left alone and act antisocial, who feel above everyone else who NEED to be either ignored or must be molded to fit in, even if that’s something they don’t want, because that’s what’s good for them, just because that’s the extroverted neurotypical norm. They don’t see introversion and solitude as self caring, but as depression, being an ass and being antisocial.

I’m living exactly this at the workplace and I hate it: I’m seen as robotic for doing exactly the same thing others do, but because they talk about inane stuff with management, they are automatically better than me. They never see me as solution oriented, eager to learn or concentrated on doing the task at hand. I’m always the odd one that lacks potential.

“If it is a setting where people are trying to be live up to high moral standards, you might just be the target of rumors; in groups with lower standards, the eviction or shunning could be more open and forceful. In either case, you lose.”

yup. I always lose.

If you’re a neurotypical and now you suggest this is my fault, I’m overreacting, it’s not so difficult to do small talk, if I can YOU must can, and I have to fake being an extroverted ass, get bent. Would you change your whole personality just because society dictates you must? Could you live with yourself?

But, if conforming to a neurotypical extroverted model is out of the question, how do I live the rest of my life?

I don’t mean the question as a financial one: I’m a RN quitting bedside who applied and got a job moving oxygen dependent patients that require monitoring between wards, so at least I’m not unemployed, don’t have to deal with entitled patients complaining about cold coffee, not good looking cushions, lack of tv, what’s good to have sex with women… I’ve been promised uninterrupted 30 minute pauses and no night shifts. Hope it’s not a case of the grass is greener…

It’s about what to think about society, because I always expected people to mind their business and leave me alone (because I leave them alone, I don’t bother them), I never expected them to be this hostile.

My logical step now would be to become a misanthrope, but I don’t know if that would be good or bad. It’s not like I have a high opinion of mankind anyways.